In torture chamber

Hi all,

i tink im getting back to bloging. since im much mre free nowadays.

well, anyway i don't tink joel will read my blog, so i guess it's safe to write how i feel here.

anyways as u guys all know i just broke up with joel. and it's been 2 weeks already.

1stly, i would like to really thanks all my friends who were here for me when i'm down/sad.
2nd, i have learnt alot from this break-up (for me it will be time-out).
3rd, i stil want to thank Joel for making my life a happy one for the last 4.5 yrs.
4th, Thank God for seeing me thru tis.


i feel like telling him this but i cant, and guys, pls don betray me kk!! i don want to presure him.

To the one whom i loved all this while,

Here are some things that i would like to tell you but its not the time yet. here it goes.

the break-up:
Initially, i though this was like the end for me, and stuff and here it goes again, heartbroke majorly for the 2nd tym. we were so close to marriage and stuff and suddenly all this has come to end. i thought that by doing all those letter shyt stuff will like chng his character to be better and stuff. hoping that he will change for me and life will be beter. but i was wrong, i got backfired instead.

i always though it was his fault and nvr though about mine. i tink i have screwed this relationship up. partly becux i was still young and stuff.

for this past 2 wks, it was v v heartbreaking for me. and that cause me to realli think about this relationship. is he the one for me, does he stil love me. i though mayb no. mayb what he said was true, that he don't love me. but as i slowly think through, actually he DID love me. and probably stil love me, just that mayb he don't noe and i din realise it.

about myself which i think caused the break-up:
well, ppl always say im a v good gal and stuff and bf will actually treasure me and stuff, but another example hit me real hard in my head. this saying: imagine im the abalone and joel is the consumer. if he gets abalone everyday, of cux he will get sick of it. who dosen? i mux admit i have been super sticky in this relationship, i have been warned of the consequences but i deny it. i always expect so much from him but he did not expect anything from me. i always condemn him of his character but nvr once he has condemned me. i tink the most hurting part for him is i sort of cheated him twice(but its not major kind of cheat) but nvr once he has cheated on me. i always cling ard him in public(which i already know he does not like it) but i still insisted to show i love him. i was wrng in this too. i shd not have done that. i always act lazy and don wan to use my brains for certain occasion which irritates him, but he did not say anything just becux he does not wants to hurt me. i always whine, dirt his room, but nvr has he done this to me. i always CONTROL him, but nvr has he controlled me. he gave me 100% freedom. and i don appreciate it. there are many other tings too.

lesson learnt during this break up:
i learnt mani things about how a guy think and stuff. and through mani talking sessions with my friends, i took it seriously into my heart, i listen to their experience and stuff and realise that there might still be chance in this relationship. i was sort of happy that this time-out happened so that both me and joel can learn. for those who oppose to our relationship. F u. i have been thru with this guy and i know what kind of guy he is. thats why i want to give chance for this again. i believe that this time out is for us to realli pursue our own dreams and concentrate on our life so as not to get distracted for now. some said this breakup is a very small issue and it's normal for every growing couple to experience it. when a break up happens, the nxt step is to learn from it, chng for the better and get back to work things out again. i believe if we were to get back to each other again in future, our relationship will definitely be a strong one. becux now we know what kind of person we are and we can understand each other even mre. rather than to get into a new relationship and restart everything again. break up again. its very torturing. thank God our relationship ended in a mutual aggreement and not a heated one. from some ppl experience, a mutual break up has chance to patch back again bcux both actually give in to end it nicely. while a heated argument will not result in a 100% patch back bcux both has put in hatred into the relatinship, and will be harder to meant the wounds. and plus, i have come to realise that this is actually one of the small problems in a relationship and should not be given up on.

about joel:
i slowly realise what kind of person he is and that made me loved him even mre. i started this relationship with him with just efactuations. but after 2 yrs in the relationship, i found myself to have grown to love him. and i have truly found my true love. he is actually a vry very nice person just that i always mistook him all this while. now that i am 21 yr old, i tend to know what are the tings that i want in my life. one of them is joel. i have to admit. i need him. his always keep things some things in his heart just becux he dosen want to hurt me. his kisses, hugs, and swwet talks, even thou it's little coming from him, i can feel the genuieness from him. whereas mine, i mux admit 50% is fake becux i thought my ways are better, but i suffered, i hurt myself, and its hard for him to realli treasure me becux i have been giving in too much! which is my fault. i only make myself being taken advantage of not realising that i started this.
he is a very faithful guy. someone whom you can realli trust your marriage with. he does not like to be rush into this kind of major decision kind of things. he prefers mre proper kind behavior from me but i did not gave him. now that i am 21, i also cannot act childish anymre. i can tell deep down that he dosen like but i always force it into him. i know he does not like to acount every single thing that he is doing cux he would like some private space once in awhile. i'm sry joel. i din noe i have hurt you so much too all this while.

what i am thinking:
for now, i know its going to take quite awhile for him to come back to me. meanwhile during this 2 wks i have made up my mind. i will go after him again(but i cant appear too hard sell) if you really love someone, you will put down your pride and everything to get that very thing you wanted. and yes, i want joel, i love him for who is his. i'm sry for always trying to mind f u expecting you to change without realising if i love you, i need to accept for who you are. not change you for who i wan you to be. Dear i have woke up from my stupid ideas and i know how to proceed already. just give me 1 mre chance to prove this relationship is not put to an end yet. like what you have told me b4, u believe in everything 1st, 1st career, 1st gf, 1st wife. i am going to fullfill your heart desire and believe.

these are my plans when joel come back:
not mre controlling from me anymre, not mre forcing you to account to me what ever you do anymre. i will trust you 100% from now on and today onwards, you have proved to me worthy to be given the freedom. i will be so clingy anymre, i will pursue my dreams too. i will not object to your desicion as i respect your desicion and will always support you in whatever you do. i will not object your friends, whoever you want to make friends with. i will not confront you. i will nvr rush you anymre in future. about marriage/house, let nature take its course from now on. rushing it at the wrong time will only hutr the both of us physically and mentally. i truly have played with fire and learnt my lesson. i want to change for the better not only for you but for myself, i find that i have let myself down too all tis yrs. i will go on with my life as per normal, like we can hang out with our own friends and stuff, being tgt i agree with you, we need to balance out life too. not only my world revolve ard you but the friends and family ard me too.
i do not want you to come back to me out of obligation/burden. i want you to come back me even happier/for the better.
lets give this another chance shall we? let us take this whole relationship into a whole new level in a better way and better understanding for both of us.

current mode of rene:
its super torturing to just keep track of you on fb and not being able to comment on your stats/sms u and stuff. whenever i see happy comments on your wall, i feel happy for you.with this plans and understanding, i can only wait upon his gestures and replies. as now its really not de right time to contact him and stuff, i have to give him some space an ample time to slowly sort out his tinking. i do not want to rush a man anymre. all i want is just someone who loves me wholeheartedly and do not cheat on me nth mre/nth less. which i tink he has done tt for me all this while and i am thankful for that. this is the kind of guy whom i will go for. too good to exist(to me). that's why i want you so badly. hopefully this coming bday of yours, chemistry will come back again, if it dosen, i will stil wait. i will only leave a guy if he does not love me anymre/leave me and ignore me 100%. thou you said you stop loving me, i do not believe, our love has actually gone up to another level an i have realise it and felt it too. i don't know if you have realise tt too.


Lastly,
all the best for the both of us. and as usual, i realli nvr fail to say(up till now). i love you.
These words are not for action to win you back, its from my heart. 100% from my heart.
i wish to be able to share with you my happiniess/my life once again.
i wish i could hold your hand/hug u and kiss you pasionately once again.
i wish i could see you luff at me happily once again.
i wish i could "take care" of you once again.
i wish i could be with you tgt again.

with love,
from the person whom you use to call "princess rene".